hollow minds have space to fill

i grew up believing in god. but my mother had always urged me to question. and so i always have. i questioned my teacher who used the term 'god fearing' that if god is supposed to be 'our heveanly father' why must we fear him? and i promise i wasnt trying to be cocky. of course these questions dont get an answer, they just get you standing awkwardly at the blackboard staring sheepishly at the rest of the class staring at you. oh well. try me, bitch.

but i never really thought to question my belief in the existance of god. it was what i had been taught, it had been rehearsed in my mind over years and years by my parents, grandparents, so during my pre-teen years when i first heard of the term 'athisim' i thought they must be a bunch of ignorant suckers, because for sure god exists! my mummy told me so!

oh well.

so, at 17 when i went through the regular teenage bout of depression, i decided i hated god, still accepting that he existsed, but hating him. and while i wish it had turned out another way, this hate and distrust in 'our heavenly father' made me question if he actually did exist at all. when i asked people, how do you know god actually exists, people said "just look around you! some has to have made all this, no?" or "he is there. i just know it." or "arrey, see you have a good life, good parents, education. who do you think gave it to you? dadaji, only na." or "he answers all my prayers, even if he answer is no."

tsk. so much for convincing me.

i think while i struggled with is-he-or-isnt-he, i realized how important it was to question your own beliefs, because only after questioning can you give yourself a chance to stand for what you think it right, rather than be guided by my mothers-mothers-mothers-mothers said so, so it is true.

and so i deviated into the science belief, i was agnostic, then atheist, then nihilist, then falliabilist, then solipsist, and back again in no certain order atheist-nihilist-agnostic-falliabilist and a variety of other labels i care less and less for every passing day.

see, the thing is, im still struggling with what i believe. i do believe, however, that god doesnt exist. but i am not foolish to close that door, after all what do i really know to say something with complete assurity? nothing really. im open to being convinced, but thats the thing convince me. but dont give me the stuff thats written in the holy books, because if i had to fall for that i would have already. give me something consistent, give me rock solid fact and i will change my mind. dont ask me if i've had a bad childhood and dont tell me the purpose of religion is to have faith without questioning (because then why the hell do we have free will, hmmm?)

right now i rather not label myself, my viewpoints are still being moulded and consist of many different schools of thought. and i do not appreciate believers telling me that i am ignorant and stubborn, when they usually are too afraid of questioning their own beliefs. prove me wrong, i tell them, and i will gladly admit defeat, but prove it, dont recite the bible or bhagwat geeta or some scientology manual you paid the earth for.

i think the point is , we need to examine our belifes and not blindly follow. i will not think any less of a theist than i would an athiest, but dont be arrogant about it, beacuse wherevere you stand, we arent developed enough to never be proven wrong.