I do sometimes feel as if I may have a lack of ambition. I'm highly competitive at university; I try to push myself to think more, to think ahead. I have this dream, and this goal and I’m working towards it with every molecule of myself. But sometimes I look around at other people and (what I see of) their lives; Forensic lawyers, musicians, pilots, computer specialists, Philosophy with a minor in Creative Writing, dancers, marine biologists; I see people taking risks, or looking feverishly for their dreams, I see people climbing mountains because that’s what they love, or putting on a uniform so they cam travel the world, and I feel much less full of ambition than I was during AP208 Evolutionary Psychology, and much less accomplished.
I admit that everything I want could be really, quite ordinary and boring. I had dreams too, of being very rich and very famous and everyday is a tiring but wonderful adventure, fly business class, be on TV, write a script, buy Louboutin’s, big house, big car. Everybody love me, everybody knows me. And this simple dream, to be a doctor, not for the title but to show, proudly enough, that this is my thing and this is how good I am, seems so mundane, and while everyone’s doing these fantastic things around me, maybe I’m selling myself short. Maybe I am settling. Maybe I’m just too scared to take a brilliantly wrong decision and make it work because I'm in love with it.
But today.
Today I lay in my bed in the middle of the day and I thought, this is what I love. What I learn, I love. What I'm getting myself into, I'm going to love. It’s so much like an obsession, and the absolute truth is, I cannot see myself anywhere else. I could not imagine being anywhere else. I feel enveloped in this, almost romantically, as if I might share my bed. It crowds me and it calms me. And it leaves me with so many reasons as it leaves me with none. It’s as if I can read its mind, and not see a thing. Do I sound smitten-love bitten? And maybe I am.
I don’t really give a shit, do I?
It’s simple.
I don’t really want to be anyone one else, but everything I am.
End of story.
1 comment:
This elation you're feeling, lying there in your bed, of being completely and unconditionally in love with what you're doing. Not just wanting to do this for the rest of your life, but actually looking forward to it.
I would give anything to feel that.
You're very lucky.
I'm very jealous.
:-)
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