fuck me and my elaborate dreams.

it had been so long since i felt darkness like that. the calm, cool type with stagnant polite evil.
butthen there was a slit n the curtains, letting the whoarish street light in. it was much like a slut spreading her legs to your dirty paradise.
everything is inside my head.
everything i see, everything i hear, everything i know, its all my imagination. i chose to belive this illusion. but all i am is a singular person inthe darkness with a virtual imagination. nothing exists. just me. and im alone. i am my own god. i am my own hell. there are no virtues or vices. it is as i chose them be. nothing exists. not you. not this fucking blog. not my family. not my books. nothing. its just me. in my mind. making a play place. i am mad.
i am mad.
there is nothing more to it. its enveloping me just like it did to the other three. theres a hollowness inside my heart. everythng aorund me isnt there. its an empty place.
i am mad. read my thigh. it has everything you need to see to prove me right. but you will be afraid to see, because i want you to be afraid to see. why would you see? youre not real.


i have no devils. i have no gods. there are no living. there are no dead. its an illusion ive made up. everything only exsts because i force it to. nothing is as it seems. emtions dont exists. the tears that break out of my throat are simulations of what i want it to be. red is how i want it to look. black is how i want it to look. i cant see beyond the cracks. i cant see beyond the darkness. the darkness is to me what home is to you. the mailgnant evil. the nothing. the empty. the vaccum.
saveme from this place. but you wont.
because you dont exist.
i made big dreams.

dreams as big as ship. dreams that were beautiful and relaistic. dreams high like elegant mountains. dreams beautiful like dancing latinas. and then suddenly i look back into the ocean and its all a never ending darkness. the sky i s a never ending darkness. i am alone. there is no one. i am alone.
i cry. im starting to scare myself.
butits pure darkness. i have nothing. just me and my mind.
working on overtime. idle. devils workplace.
i am the workshop.
i am idle.

the side least resisted takes over and my devil, me. it takes me apart and build and flourishes and blossoms like pretty cherry blossoms. i can feel my hands on my face log after i takethem away.
now is when time and space somehow slightly bend. it doenst exists. it doenst exists. and all the principles and basics shift base furiously sending little shivers through the entire system.
everything blurs. everything slows down. there is nothing that exists because id ont want it to.
i believe what i want. i kill myself very slowly. distracting myself with pain.
i thought someone can make this all go away. i found out. its me. i can make this all go away. i have the power to shift my imagination to levels of dramatic indifference. this isnt my body. this isnt a soul. this is a fake prsonality decaying slowly into my former skin.

i was so happy. we were so happy. but nothing exists. nothing was ever there. there was no family. there was no hope. there were no smiles. its such a shame. such a shame.

i need to remove this world. go back to my darkness. its a play. and movie. a video game. a virtual reality. everything is disorted.

he made me believe in a god again. and then the god threw me into this madness. i cursed the god. i cursed him. taunting my ownself.
i am my own god. i am in my own hell.

its not about survival. its not about earning the respect. i lose track of time. its bending alot. inconsistantly. its reaching up into my mouth andthe stake peirces out of my tongue.

nothing exists. only he holds my world together.
only he holds me together.
i lose him. i lose myself.
i crumble.
fall.
and die.