keep it simple, keep it real.

being back home makes me very nostalgic, its physically makes me curl with the way repressed memories come flowing out. and each time im here, i rummage through all my drawers and cabinets, almost as if im trying to piece together my past to remember what makes me so nauseous in remembering it so. today i found one (of way too many) singular scrap of paper on which i had made a new years resolution list. the date on it goes back to 2003.

have to stop:

1. being quirky

2. being too talkative

3. being silly

4. being immature

5. being too open with people

6. smiling too wide

7. acting wild.

8. singing loudly when people are around because i suck

9. crying all the time

10. talking rubbish

11. watching too much television.

12. using my mouth to express myself.

13. laughing too loudly

14. retaliating

15. putting on too much make up.

have to start:

1. being more quiet.

2. using my eyes, not my mouth.

3. act more mature

4. write more

5. talk to god

6. question everything, even myself.

7. being less sure of myself.

8. say hello softer on the phone.

9. listen more.

10. be more tolerant.

11. be patient.

12. think deep.

im amused with the great shift between me in 2003 and me in 2011. the items on this list are so simple and still somehow profound. but also, it is so controlling. i have never been able to be comfortable with a complete release of myself, and while after this trip to Goa, i have wanted to do just that more than anything, i suppose that maybe this is just the way i have packed myself. it was always a choice and i chose.

thing is, it was black and white back then, and simpler than i would have ever allowed myself to believe. so now when i begin to see spectrums of color between the aforementioned monochromatic, i figure, keep it simple, but keep it real. i want to do things on my own terms now.

this year, my new years resolution: Learn Italian