of the time that follows.

for three years he was all i knew. our relationship was built on our mutual curiousity to want to know more about each other. its hard to explain how one can fall so in love without any physical reality. but it is what happened, and perhaps that brought alot of strength into the relationship that may not have been there in any other circumstance.
and after three years of feeling devoted and in love with one man, understanding the very core of him, knowing his secrets and his shortcomings, his dreams and nightmares, after all the investment into thinking he was 'the one', suddenly setting myself free has brought about feelings of such stark contrast i feel my knees buckling under the vastness of it all.

there on one hand is the immediate feeling of freedom, as if one has held ones breath underwater, pushing ones power to stay and stay and stay and in one swift movement reaching, splashing out of the water to gasp in a breath of air, be it solied or pure, as big as one can take. it is by far a relieving feeling, the loss of the pressure of being obliged to someone. there is an impresison of weight coming off your shoulders and chest and back and wherevere else one is likely to carry a load. and of course the impression of what i personally call "temporary final peace", simple because what at one point of time feels as if it would last forever, is merely a silly mirage and definatly not what is to come.

but then what is one to do with all this sudden freedom?
i am so used to him in all ways possible. i wonder how i could behave differently with anyone else, or if my body will reposnd to anyone else, or if there will even be anyone else.
and then the fright of regretting the whole situation all together. and then the worry that if it isnt a regret, then why do i feel so lost?
even if it were my own decision, it is inevitable, this feeling of emptyness that isnt as great as, but could be compared to, probably, some sort of empty nest syndrome. we did, of course, love each other like children, effortlessly and boundlessly.

is it, i wonder, actually just my youth? i hear it so often that i just have to consider it. is it just me wanting more, wanting something brutally idealistic, some garishly romantic hollywood inspired feeling? or is there genuinely something more substantial for my need to be apart from him?

all these questions i ask are rhetorical of course. i am not actually looking for an answer from you or myself, for that matter. i am merely just reflecting on these emotions that ebb and swell, seemingly as they please. it is, as you may imagine, daunting.

i do realise that so much of this emotion is caused not due to the present situation at hand, rather due to the immense curiosity that i habour for what lies ahead. everything is quite different from how i had imagined it, and i never truly believed that i would one day be apart from him. but here i am now, single. far from ready to mingle, yet desperate to know that there will, in fact, be a crowd within which to mingle when i deem myself fit and ready to be labelled 'on market'.

right now, at this very moment a battle rages on inside my every working head;
i couldnt possibly do better.
or.
there must be something greater to do.

silly hippy, i say to myself.
idealism never did no good for no one.

so i fall back, melencholy, on that weathered old negativity cushion of mine and drift.
like i keep saying,
such is life.