for lack of a better medicine

several nights have gone by and my eyes wide open, until the sun begins to rise.
and then morning lights up far too much for me to sleep anymore. noise. heat. light. life begins and i must start again like a blind engine.

this lack of sleep gives me forms of hallucination. or is it just mental disorder? (the lecturer did say, though, that we must refrain from diagnosing ourselves unless we think paranoia is appealing).

i feel like im drifting in and out of my body; a werid sort of schizoid cut and we are tow and then i am one.
it is scary at first, but if i give it into it, its almost relaxing.
as if the tiredness of one person is being shared by two. and on some pseudo level it relaxes me.


fuck.
psycho-babble.
im so full of shit.


apologies.