to my darling K.

To my darling K.
It has been a long time with you and me, yet sometimes I feel as if I must explain myself to you, not so you understand what you do not, but for you to be reminded of parts of me that I do not very often put on display. You have been so patient with me and my behaviour. I find it strange that I refer to my behaviour as if it is another person all together. I suppose on various and frequent occasions, it almost is. I find you however, on those various and frequent occasions, being more patient than not. But infrequently when I find your voice sounding irritable on hearing my whiney little voice over the receiver, I feel unconditionally guilty for pulling you into my vicious circle of doom and insecurity. And that is exactly why, my love, I'm afraid that if I ever do decide to let go or I am unable to hold on anymore, you might go mad with my crazy mind and walk away, no matter how much you do love me, because, at the end of the day, we both know, love alone will not be enough for us to be together.

Love, you know so much about my past, and my present, which might or might not be as tumultuous; or maybe my past isn’t as tumultuous and I, with my crazy mind, dramatize it enough to traumatize my own self. The point I suppose is, that there have been incidences in the past that have scarred me. It’s all relative though. It might not be as bad as what some other people might have or have not gone through at some point of time, in comparison, but what scars, scars, no matter how blunt or sharp the knife maybe. Anyone can be stabbed with anything, given the right amount of force and pressure.

My sadness turns, very quickly into anger, which over time evaporates to leave behind sticky, dark insecurities. You, love, are at the brunt of it all. You take it so well, all the whining and the crying and the questions and the ranting and, well, everything silly and insignificant, like crying over a chimmychanga someone else ate, or me feeling unappreciated, or me asking you if you would cheat or lie again. You patiently listen, even if my words scar or scare you, you calm me down and refuse to let my anger glow. And for a while, a pure while, I remain doubtless, anxiety-free and normal. But I will revert. I do revert. You know that. It keeps going back and forth and you must understand I do not do it to harm your feelings or injure our relationship. I do not question the sanctity and the strength of what you and I have, but I do, and I mustn’t be blamed for, question the human spirit, that has failed everyone so often.

You do understand, don’t you love? You do know I love you and I adore you. I respect you for the man you are and the man you are becoming. I am in love with you for who you are and who you are letting me become. I see you getting more passionate by the day and it makes me proud to be with someone like you. Nevertheless, its times like now, I'm not sure if you feel the same way about me, because I very much would like you to. But with all my stubbornness and my tongue that is much too sharp much too often, with my moaning and groaning and my sorrows and over-dramatizations, my insecure skin, it must be hard to stay, leave alone think of me as a great person. But I do love you. And you should know that no matter what. I'm trying hard to leave this wretched disease behind me, and I know if I ever will it will only because you urged me enough to.

You are my sunshine because when I'm with you I laugh, because you protect me from everything that might harm me, including myself. You are my sunshine because not only do you love me as much as you do, but you allow me to love you; you allow me to pour it all out and send it to you any way I choose.

Without you, well, days would be dark again, and I’d die and just begin merely existing.