losing blood.

somewhere i lose myself in time and pulled down my guard and let the troubles of the world trouble me and i remain happy in that moment knowing i am alove and my heart is still beating. i look back and i see the rate at which i was falling. then it seems like the whole world was movng in slow motion. it was like a sick drug trip. etylene maybe. i gather up my courage now and look back and squint at the immence darkness and i see how fast i was moving. faster then fast forward. i thought there were lights all around me. but it was just the overwhlep,ing power of hurt. i drifted higher and higher or lower and lower. i still cant make out. i was drifting into some kind of depressed oblivion. i dont know if i was under the bridge wiating for it to crumble onto me or over it, waiting for the river to flood me over.

Here i sit, after sleeping on the sand for too many days, letting the sun kiss me and rape my white skin, and i enjoyed it all along. the graze of the sand between my toes, my claves, my highs, my ass, further up my back and i let my hair spill over. something seemed to be missing though, except when the sun would set. at that exat moment i would hear a tiny splash and waves would come forth, running towards me, washing my tanned body onto the shore. when i slept, i woke up with snad sprinkled on my face. the first thing i'd od is smile into the mirror. i look at that green and black capsule and i stare at it. this is what it has come to. the only power keeping me from fropping into insanity is a drug. i feel devoid of principples but in a specialw ay thats good or bad. but then again, good and bad are very relative words.

and like drift wood my mind floats in the ocean and it forms and sculpts it into something so atrociously ugly, we think its beautiful. my eyes are swollen from lack of sleep and some unearthly infection and by the end of the next two days, i will end up looking like a frog.
i remeber once he called me a pretty frog. how that made me smile!

the heat sways around me and compresses me in layers of bubble wrap. i spend my time bursting my way through. is it all just my imgination? what exactly have i lost? how one place ofr one person can make your heart and stomach sink so low, you almost elibe its been retrieved by the devil himself. am i insane? how do i know if i am? how do i know if im not.

ive not cried for far too long. the drugs worked perfcetly. im ot depressed anymore. i dont feel like hurting myslef or breaking things. im normal. i smile and i sulk and to everything a normally sne person would do. i wondered what if tomorrow i stop taking it, will i be the same is this really what its come to? a tiny drug keeping control of my life. it feels melodramatic and romantic. ive just been sedated. i can feel that tremendous energy sleeping in me. restless. uncomfertable. but drugger.

juice cravings and finally i get it. the relife that flows through my broken dry body and fills up the cracks. i dont understand hiny mythology. when five brothers covet one woman, and she is the wife of them all, shouldnt she, in todays day, be considered a whore?

i dont feel ike home but there is no place else i rather me than right here right now. i feel a little lost. im just not used to myself this way. how would anyone ever realise the absolute depth of the feelings i feel. shivers run through my body and i know i dont beling to anyone.

we lose 21 grames when we die. and we lose those 21 grams alone. we end alone. just the same way we begin alone. when youre alone all your life, there is nothign sweeter than good company from time to time. oral temptaions can very well rule ofer mind, heart and body. but what when your toungue isnt as sweet anymore. what when you dont know when to stop shoving it inside my mouth? when whe you dont use it enough? should i jsut discard you lke a deflated bag of chips? or stand closer to you to teach you the tricks of my trade? maybe im a sexually frustrated plastic bag in need of a good fuck and a cigarette. would you then want me to be a part of your wonderfully imperfect life? suppose i jsut walk away from you and her and him and them and everyone? suppose im just your imagination? what if you are mine?

it feels like a game not. approval and disapproval. too many uppers, downers, colors and lights. too fucking mcuh for me to understand. but yet i will persist to understand what this greater forve behind everything is. yet i will never stop intil i have answers to all my questions. i'll torture myself endlessly and i'll write a gazillion meaninglesswords and then i'll write a gazillion more. i'll drive myseld into a striatjacker. and i'll scratch into my arm till my nails graze my bone. but i cant stop.

i need to keep writing but my body feels to big or too small. am i scared to be alone or am i scared i will stop living and plainly only breath to exist with a leaden heart? the phone echos in my head. the sirens blare somewhere in the distance. or id like ot believe so. my sadistic pleasures sometime her the best of me.

do you feel better when i hurt you? because id fellbetter if youd just hurt me already.