trasition.

as i grow i learn.
at 20, i know time ticks faster than you can possibly imagine.
this man made invention, 'time', reels us in faster than we can swim.
it does NOT stop.
i keep learning.
Im a good student,
i am keen as i am observant,
ambitious.
i learn that yesterdays mistakes can be the reason i smile today.

but thats not the point is it?
your life musnt be ended down to be somesort of preaching.
when its over and done,
you should know youve been you, and no one else.

its so hard not to try and live up to everyone elses standards,
and realise its only your own that really matters.
its not easy in todays world
to be just yourself and not let other peoples expectations of what they think you should be effect who you are.
ive loved recklessly,
and hated very, very carefully.
Ive nurtured my grudges as if they were children
but i can give love overflowingly.
my affcetion isnt superficial.
it comes from places less frequently visited by most people.

i wish my age woudlnt speak louder than my words sometimes.
i wish i could be more graceful.
i love my body.
i hate my body.
this time is not difficult,
but slightly tiring.
this process from growing into a woman
from being a carefree black nail polish wearing teenager.
i feel maternal instincts pour in,
but at the same time i want to hold on so bad to the 'badass' teenager in me.

its 4.04 am.
my eyes weak with sleep.
my mind isnt even clear.
but my depression isnt the power,
and im finding my way to my muse,
i will learn to stop feeling frustrated about my age speaking lounder than my words
and people trying to change me,
well, i'll learn to smile at them polietly and chnage the topic
instead of getting riled up inside and wanting to start a revolution for indidviduality.

the 70's arent going to come back.
accepted and non destructive use of drugs isnt going to happen anytime soon.
im not actually ever going to be a full time groupie.
im not going to kill myself.
the idea of addiction isnt as glamorous anymore.
im learning to be gentle without needing to be sensitive.
im learning to put up walls without dressing up as a ferocious viking.
im learning that people who try to change me, will never be able to.
im learning to love me for whatever i am,
my virtues my vices.

im so incomplete.
like a half modled peice of clay.
inbetween true beauty and just awkwardness.
this is me.
this is who i must be.

baz luhrman said we must forget the bad things people say about us and remember the compliments,
and when you learn to do that, to let him know how.
I'd like to know too.
but for now i'd like to have a sensibly sized mug of beer with old friends and watch the trasition.

fuck everything else.
and smile.