grow up, but into yourself.

my fingers hurt from a constant press at the fret board.

but its a good pain.

im finally learning the guitar.

I had conversations with a few unnamed persons,

observed a few other unnamed persons,

and chatted with some more unnamed persons.

all together, there were not as many unnamed persons i may make it sound as

but lets say, there were three unnamed persons.

each one asking, in different way, how to survive lonliness.

lonliness is a place inside you that feels empty.
sometimes there arent enough people around you to fill up all those empty places.
what then, when youre thrown into a land where every face seems strange
and desperation for company sets in like a very heavy dinner?
would you go up and make friends,
abandon your morals, you standards, your principles,
lie if you have to, scream if you have to?
I came here
away from home, away from emotional comfort.
i needed someone.
someone who i could call at any time of the night,
someone who's house i could go to when i wnated to bunk class.
someone who would go with me to the zoukout,
for dinner and drunken nights at clarke quay and the beach,
to a night of wild out of hand completely let loose dancing at the ministry of sound,
someone to talk long walks with, aimlessly.
someone to indulge in.
a friend.
and i like any other one deperate for company,
took up a conversation with the first people who were willing.
and then i try to connect, try to conceive a bond,
a bind, a similarity, a base of ever chnaging conversation.
but it wasnt there.
it just wasnt there.
so i let go of whatever "friendship" i forced on myself.
I'd find solace on my own.
and so 6 months went by.
i went for movies alone.
walked aimlessly.
got drunk along.
had dinner alone.
faced my battles alone.
went window shopping when i bunked class.
watched fountains.
by hearted orchard street.
I'd laugh on my own, cry on my own.
and not very slowly,
my company was all i needed.

people ask me how i can stand to be alone for such long stretches of time.
one of the unnamed persons even said he wished he could be like me,
so he would deal with his lonliness better.
its about accepting yourself i suppose,
accepting the world around you,
accepting that someting good will come out of all the struggles.
fighting alone is quite rewarding.
and watching movies alone is quite my favourite thing to do.

i dont have very many friends.
and i wont go to the zoukout.
and i wont go ministry of sound.
i wont get drunk on the beach.
and maybe there will never be someone to walk aimlessly with.
but its ok.
i'll pick my friends carefully as and when they come around.
this is me.
i will be picky. i will not compromise who i am. i will not lie.

this is the self acceptance part of the transition.
LONLINESS IS NOT A DISEASE.