one of my most perverse joys is self diagnosis. describe a symptom, describe it to precision and type it in to the wonderful world wide web and within seconds millions of people will tell you whats wrong with you and how to fix yourself. it can be very fulfilling to find strangers give undue importance to minor little aches and pains. its the conceited and attention seeking capacity of human nature that finds such obscure joy in over-exaggerated maladies. banded head aches could be anything from stress to tumors pressing against my skull, the common cold could be, hell, just a common cold or water in my lungs. and my ankle, man, it may still be broken.
constantly enamoring the medical profession i find myself often enough, (very un-seriously though) trying to educate and diagnose myself on internet.
but now, i take a different pleasure.
now i go on to find company. i go to find people who cant sleep at night and have raging nausea all day for apparently no reason. i look for those whom the gods of mortals, these fucking doctors, cant diagnose. i find those who are frustrated by how the entire medical profession is nothing but fucking guesswork sometimes.
sleepless, foodless and more alone than I've felt in the longest time, more afraid than I've been in the longest time, i find no consolation from friends, or my doting family. i find myself on the shortest leash with people who fill in conversation with medical advice even though they are clueless to what havoc is playing in my body. my doctors don't understand obviously. the people around me are too busy running forwards into their lives, and why shouldn't they too. i find no comfort from empty looks of half arsed sympathy.
so i get on to the wonderful world wide web, and type in with precision my exact symptoms, to find people, sleepless, foodless and more alone than they've ever felt, more afraid than they've ever felt; and i take the innocent solace in knowing that maybe just maybe, through all my fear and exhaustion, I'm not as alone as i feel.
and that is the single greatest pleasure i can find right now.
constantly enamoring the medical profession i find myself often enough, (very un-seriously though) trying to educate and diagnose myself on internet.
but now, i take a different pleasure.
now i go on to find company. i go to find people who cant sleep at night and have raging nausea all day for apparently no reason. i look for those whom the gods of mortals, these fucking doctors, cant diagnose. i find those who are frustrated by how the entire medical profession is nothing but fucking guesswork sometimes.
sleepless, foodless and more alone than I've felt in the longest time, more afraid than I've been in the longest time, i find no consolation from friends, or my doting family. i find myself on the shortest leash with people who fill in conversation with medical advice even though they are clueless to what havoc is playing in my body. my doctors don't understand obviously. the people around me are too busy running forwards into their lives, and why shouldn't they too. i find no comfort from empty looks of half arsed sympathy.
so i get on to the wonderful world wide web, and type in with precision my exact symptoms, to find people, sleepless, foodless and more alone than they've ever felt, more afraid than they've ever felt; and i take the innocent solace in knowing that maybe just maybe, through all my fear and exhaustion, I'm not as alone as i feel.
and that is the single greatest pleasure i can find right now.
1 comment:
Knowing that somewhere in the world, someone, in very different place of their life, might just be going through the same thing, as you.
I know how that feels.
Nice read.
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