leech

i realized, albeit two years later, that the psychiatrist, whom i met with through the insistence of my counsellor, decided within a span of twenty minutes that i needed to be put on an army of medication because i told him that who i was in person, and who my body and mind are, are two separate entities, behaving differently, reacting differently and thinking differently. i likened it to a more biological system of Freud's personality ice berg. i realize only now, how he latched on to what i said about this. he didn't pay as much attention to anything i said, until i spoke about this duality. it seems absurd that he found this absurd. i have never thought it to be so.

this duality i speak about isn't parallel to any sort of schizophrenia, or MPD or spiritual conscience. its very hard to really describe it out from the way i think of it. its biological. as simply as i can put it, i believe that our behavioral selves and our biological selves both experience emotions, which i think are survival intuitions. however it is not always that our behavioral selves and our biological selves will have similar reactions to stimulii.

as far back as i can remember, i have always felt similar to this, of course not in as much understanding as i do now, but i did realize that my behavior and my reactions were all very two-toned.

i never really liked this doctor, and always thought that his decision was hasty, but with the prodding of my very worried mother, and in complete honesty, my desperation, i willingly obliged and for about a year became a breathing zombie. now however, when i think about it, i cant help but think that this man must be a complete corporate sell out.

and this makes me glad i did not choose the iatry over the ology.

and it also put in me a naive diligence to never do it just for the money.

and, i hope some parts of me do stay this young.