trying a little tenderness

i struggle with forgiveness. years have gone by, and apologies have become easier and my ego has become more bending.

but forgiveness is a different thing all together.

I nurture my grudges as if they were my children. the prospect of deceit cut so very deep into my flesh that to me, is close to impossible to forgive.

but i try, i do, to forgive, to forget. because the bitterness with which i remember so many things, makes me sad that i have had that much hate and anger in my life.

i know it in my bones that being on this sunny island has stunted so much of me, killed my creativity and completely altered my though processes into mundane and dull.

but this year is different. and this year i make the changes. everything must be renovated, all corners of my mind and body.

i cannot be this person weighed down by too much baggage, too much bitterness. it drains me and slows me down and im done being all this.

i want to try, for the first time, not to change, but to just do a few things differently.

and i want to learn forgiveness.