is it so weird to want to know every little detail of an affair he shouldnt have had?
i find myself judging myself, being a bigger critique than i already was. am i not adequate? do i not fullfill his needs? of course i dont.
am i too judgemental? am i too critical?
im not supposed to be but every particle in my body says i should be better but i cant seem to underdtand
how i must try to perfect all my flaws, grow up and be a woman not a girl.
anger stays raw for so long it hurts my wrists.
i want to name names and lash out, cry, scream, abuse.
be hysterical, let my feelings drop out one after the other
bargain death and throw open the door to life.
what did she have that i didnt?
what is she that im not?
the mad pangs of jelousy some up from time to time
no matter how i try to surpress.
that should be normal.
of course it is.
i keep wondering about various situations.
what if i never found out?
what if i just cut of from him after i found out?
what if i cut off from him right in the beginning when there was another door open for me?
what if i dont choose him?
what if the trust never comes back.
I learn in psychology about the different stages of life. Teenagers, they say, think they are almost invincible. watching my brother today i get exactly what they mean. but that is out of context.
the point is, here i am, just trasisting between thinking that im invincible and knowing that i am not. the age barrier.
here i am not being able to figure out if im fat or pleasetly plump, curvy or normal.
but that still isnt the point.
the point at the end of the day is if there is no trust, no development of trust, nothing can come of it.
yes.
thats how it is.
thats the motherfucking way.
yep.
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