THC FREE

I met the supermoon last year. A few days before it happened I had started walking to the beach at night. Some days before the supermoon arrived, the moon at the beach was glowing with such soft intensity. The beach was absolutely dark, and the waves coming in picked up the light from the moon, appearing to me like pearlescent froth rolling in. I was still stoned, but coming down and high on walking endorphins. I sat on the sand at the highest point of the beach at Judah. The moon was sending down her energy in concentric rainbow glow softly radiating circles. It was quite hot.

Something is shifting for me. I can feel it quite certainly when I stop for a second to feel under my skin. It feels like a whirling pool of myself, with blue turquoise indigo water and air pouring in. I am suddenly surprised to see how angry I was, am. I have been growling. So lost in my depression, I was sure I had failed. Now, in the process of floating out I see how I refused to submit to anything that was not my choice. I would rather be miserable than do what someone else tells me. A big fuck you fucker. I see myself in her physicality, weak, sad, crying, alone, bloated, poisoned, anxious and afraid. But the layers under that weight, I was crouched, pushing backwards read to pounce, snarling, examining constantly to find the direction I need to get to, I want.

I feel in the last year that I grew three years. Sean had sent me this picture of him and me, I think it was the first picture of us. We were at the Armory. I had met him there after hanging with my dudes. I was wearing my prodigy t shirt, he was wearing his green bandana that I had on in the picture, and my middle finger was sticking up, my lip in a faux/real snarl. That was September 2015. Its just 2 years later and I feel closer to my age than I have in a long time. I can feel the movement of moving forwards, slowly picking up velocity. 

She seems so sweet in her intensity, trying hard to be able to reign  over it, while just wanting to blow everything to smithereens, including herself. Her eyes seem flushed with this burning light, she doesn’t feel it burning her at this point. 

It was that fucking bad E pill in Goa in 2006. It suddenly condensed into this tiny ball of fire and got stuck in my chest. It wouldn’t explode and remove, it neatly stored itself into this spiritual bomb I had no agency over, even though it was inside me. It's been heating things up, sucking off of my energy, burning me for so fucking long, setting fire under my skin, attacking all parts of me. Setting fire to the forest, the soul, turning the lights off in the ocean. 

As she was burning up, I found safety in the deepest, darkest, heaviest, loneliest depths of the ocean. Even in my absolute sobriety as I would dive I would see projections of my mind become a reality in front of me, lights and signs. They were messages from my soul, wrapping me. The sadness was so heavy, I had been so convinced I wouldn’t make it.