Limbo

it would be wonderful if i could just stop existing all together.
not die. just suddenly not be here anymore, like i never was here.
i want to just stop
existing
like i was never here
so no one will miss me and no one will be glad of my absence either.
just ignorant of my once breathing, living, wasting organism/orgasm.

it would be wonderful too,
if i could feel drastic emotions, ranging from all corners of the world.
to feel all extents of everything,
all at once
and it would be wonderful
because that would mean im really living, and it would remind me to breathe
and stay alive.

but i stay stuck between
conditions and primal instincts, disallowed to live fully,
disallowed to just stop existing entirely.
to be lingering here, like a zombie on relaxants,
it fills me up with a greater sadness, and i recline into
invisibility so even when i speak, people interrupt
because they don't even see me
so the voice they hear they ignore, they think its in their head.

that makes me sad too.